The Clutch That Screams When You're Too Polite To
Category: Fake
Estimated Price: £14.50
The Clutch That Screams is a must-have accessory for women who are done suffering in silence — but still want to look fabulous while doing it. Designed for nights out, awkward dates, work events, or any situation where you’re silently screaming on the inside, this sleek handbag will do the vocalising for you.
Disguised as a chic faux-leather clutch, it features a hidden button inside the flap that, when pressed, emits a range of sounds from a startled shriek to an operatic howl. Choose from five scream profiles, including:
- The Polite Panic
- The 'Not Again, Darren'
- The Retail Rage
- The Ghoster’s Regret
- The Silent but Judgemental Hiss™
It’s time to stop bottling up your feelings — and start blasting them out in Dolby surround.
- Brand: Noisy & Necessary
- Dimensions: 23cm (W) x 13cm (H) x 4cm (D)
- Materials: Faux leather exterior, soft satin lining, tiny speaker of chaos
- Colour(s): Midnight Black, Passive Beige, Drama Red
- Other Specifications: Powered by 2x AAA batteries (included), features 5 programmable screams, volume-adjustable, purse compartment fits a phone, lipstick, and your last shred of patience
What We Think
We tried The Clutch That Screams on a team night out, a dinner with an ex, and a train ride full of manspreaders — and it did not disappoint. The build is surprisingly luxe for such a chaotic invention. The clutch itself is cute and compact, with enough room for essentials and a touch of spite.
But the real gem? The sound effects. The shriek is sharp and attention-grabbing, while “The Ghoster’s Regret” lets out a dramatic wail worthy of a soap opera. The scream settings are customisable, and the button is tucked away just enough to avoid accidental howls during normal use (unless you’re into that).
Our favourite bit? Watching people try to pretend they didn’t just hear a purse scream at them. It’s part fashion statement, part emotional support item, and entirely iconic. Honestly, it’s feminism… but make it handheld and loud.
What Others Are Saying
💬 "Used this on a date when the guy started explaining crypto to me. I hit the button. The bag screamed. He looked horrified. I looked radiant." — Claire W.
💬 "Took it to a wedding. Whenever someone asked why I’m still single, I pressed the ‘Retail Rage’ scream. By the end, I had a table to myself and total peace." — Amira S.
💬 "It accidentally went off in the lift at work. Now people give me personal space. I love her." — Hannah R.
💬 "Every woman needs this in her life. It’s fashion-meets-frustration in the best way possible." — Toni D.
Verdict
The Clutch That Screams is the accessory we never knew we needed but now can’t live without. Equal parts high fashion and high drama, it delivers both aesthetic appeal and emotional release. Whether you’re on the verge of a meltdown or just tired of pretending everything’s fine, this bag has your back — and your volume dial. A perfect gift for anyone who’s ever muttered “I swear to god” under their breath while smiling.