Squirrel Whisperer™ – Nut Translator 3000 for Human-to-Rodent Communication
Category: Fake
Estimated Price: £12.99
Say goodbye to awkward staring contests with squirrels and hello to full-on philosophical debates about nut storage. The Squirrel Whisperer™ – Nut Translator 3000 is your gateway to the secretive world of sciurine communication. Using groundbreaking “ChitterSync™” technology, this compact translator converts human speech into a series of chirps, squeaks, and aggressive tail flicks – all in real time.
Worn like a headset (with optional bushy tail attachment, sold separately), the device captures local squirrel dialects and translates them via a discreet chest speaker. Whether you're issuing a peace treaty over the bird feeder or asking where they hid your missing socks, this is the tool you didn’t know you needed.
Ideal for nature lovers, squirrel enthusiasts, or people who have just completely given up on normal hobbies.
- Brand: Squirrel Whisperer™
- Dimensions: 8cm x 5cm handheld unit, headset adjustable to fit all head sizes (including oddly shaped ones)
- Materials: Recycled plastic casing, faux leather headband, acorn-infused tech housing
- Colour(s): Woodland Brown, Nutmeg Beige
- Other Specifications: Squirrel dialect detection, real-time translation, built-in squeak enhancer, Bluetooth-compatible, 6-hour rechargeable battery life
What We Think
Right, let’s be honest – this is completely ridiculous. But it’s also completely amazing. The Squirrel Whisperer™ somehow made one of our interns the most popular human in the local park. We watched in awe as she “asked” a squirrel to stop stealing bird seed and it just... nodded?
Okay, maybe it was a fluke. Or maybe this thing actually works. The translations are definitely *something* – mostly a cross between dolphin squeaks and static – but the squirrels seem to pay attention. We even caught one returning a walnut after an especially heartfelt chat.
The headset is comfy, if a bit oversized, and the speaker system is surprisingly crisp. We wouldn’t wear it in public unless you’re deeply committed to squirrel diplomacy, but for back garden adventures, it’s a riot. Plus, who doesn’t want to claim they speak “Eastern Red Squirrel” at parties?
What Others Are Saying
💬 Steve, amateur squirrel watcher: “I translated ‘hello’ and a squirrel threw a nut at me. I’m taking that as ‘hi back’.”
💬 Lorraine, 73: “Used this in the park and now I’m the matriarch of a squirrel mafia. They leave acorns on my porch every morning. I think I’m their queen.”
💬 Todd from Glasgow: “Didn’t believe it worked... until a squirrel led me to a stash of 17 almonds under my decking. They’ve accepted me now.”
💬 Milly, primary school teacher: “Used it during outdoor class. Half the kids now believe I’m a forest witch. Best lesson ever.”
Verdict
The Squirrel Whisperer™ is utterly bonkers, and yet somehow, weirdly life-enhancing. Whether you're out to befriend the local wildlife or just need a break from boring reality, this nut translator brings joy, chaos, and the occasional squirrel-based conspiracy into your life. Not for the faint of heart – but definitely for the fun at heart.